22.9.08

Wishing.

You know that old saying, be careful what you wish for? I am currently thinking about that statement, and I wonder during what circumstance it came about. I wonder about the initial wish that caused the age-old line. Could it have been Pinocchio? Columbus? Audrey Hepburn? What was that person's consequence? What was their wish?

I have to know, because I'm wishing.
Today, my wish is not pretty. Literally.
Today, I wish I wasn't pretty.


(I hit return three times just to let my words sink in. I'm serious.)


My person is a very strong person. She is strong willed, and strongly opinionated, but not often strongly expressed. She hides in the back room of this place, a place I like to call ME, until an exterior individual can get close enough to draw her out. She isn't shy, really; just smart. And slightly scared.

I am constantly wondering how other people think. It is a topic that has always intrigued me. One specific thing I wonder about is how individuals perceive their personal appearance. I don't mean that I wonder what other people think of their image, per se, I just wonder how often they are AWARE of the portion of their person that might be the only thing everyone else sees. From what I know about myself, I am not that aware of my person. Okay, YES I get up in the morning and fuss over my hair, my outfit, and my makeup like any other girl; but, really, five minutes out the door and my carefully selected, perfectly matching shoes become shoes, my outfit becomes merely a way to conform to societal norms, and my hair gets forgotten about unless my bangs are in my face-- in which case I spend the day cursing being a girl and silently threaten to shave my head that very night. I don't often think about what my 'person' looks like to others.
On the same note, I have a similar attitude when talking with other people. First impressions include noticing one's outward appearance, yes; but for me, the moment I start talking to someone, I forget about what they look like. I forget the traits I initially noticed, and I start to get lost in this world that is their life. After I have passed that point, I don't go back. No, I am not blind; or crazy, for that matter. I just have a hard time getting lost in someones looks. To me, there are facets that are incredibly MORE INTERESTING than the shape of a person's nose, or the perfect curvature of their body. Consequently, I have never been in a circumstance where I make a fool of myself because a cute boy decides he wants to strike up a conversation with me, and I have most certainly never been lost in a boy's beautiful blue eyes that I had just had the pleasure of gaining acquaintance with.
No, this is not how I roll. Instead, I find myself lost in a person whose natural magnetism draws me to them. Their sense of that which is REAL is undeniable, and that just so happens to be what my little person LOVES. Their inner 'person' is dancing around outside of THEM, and my little person inside of ME simply HAS to come outside to see what all the commotion is about. Not because of their looks, not because of their charm, simply because of THEM.
This is how I view people. This is how I interact with people. Yes, I will notice your looks, your clothes, your style--everyone does, whether subconsciously or consciously. HOWEVER, that is ALL I will do--is notice. It won't affect the way I act around you, my opinion of you, etc.

I'll say it again. I wish I wasn't pretty.

Every day, I get comments about my looks. Someone is always noticing my face, my body, or something about this facade that somehow, to other people, makes up ME. I become so irked at times, wishing that people would just notice me for the person I am, rather than the qualities of my body. And yet, I can hardly justify myself because becoming irked at human nature is simply self-destructive.

And so, here I am, irked at something I am not admitted to be irked about.
It leaves me to one thing: Wishful thinking.


And today, I wish I wasn't pretty.


But hey, kids. I'll tell you one thing. I am super excited for this day:





Be careful what you wish for... :)

2 comments:

Rebeccah Louise said...

i love you. I love everything about you, and it has nothing to do with what you look like.
i look up to you in several ways and kay, there's no way I could change who I am to be more like you physically. But I do try to be more like you pretty often.

kendra said...

I love reading your blog because you express things so wonderfully! I totally know what you are talking about too. I am also intrigued by what others are thinking about, but my problem is that I over-analyze what they might be thinking, which is probably totally different from their actual thoughts. Anyway, that was a little pointless.

love you!