Ode to writing. No promises, though.

I've never been a great journal writer. I've come to learn that it is partially because my mind flows far too quickly for my hands to keep up--so I'll get halfway through a paragraph while journaling, and then get so lost in some secondary thought that I will completely forget what was supposed to come next on paper. I get frustrated with the time it takes to record thoughts using only a pen and paper. It is tragic, really, because I am a thorough, hard and fast, rose-doodling, rain-kissing, love-lettering romantic, and the thought of a scratchy pen filling up a soft, off-white piece of paper (if we're being idyllic, by candelight), sends romantic shivers through my fingertips. But it's just not that practical. Nor fulfilling. Not for me.

I suppose I've lived in the 21st century for too long.

Because where paper and pen don't seem to do the trick, a keyboard and a blank word document seem to fill that empty space in my writing soul quite agreeably. My fingers can move (almost) as fast as my mind tends to, and when I have thoughts that are irrelevant to my current stream, I can type 'em out and move 'em around until I find the space of thought they were supposed to be composed in in the first place.

It's like playing Tetris. Only with words.

So for a while, I did that here. I opened my veins (morbid? sorry...) and splashed words onto this tan and white blogger screen that doesn't ever seem to agree with my formatting. I don't think I ever did it daily, although that was (clearly) my goal (see blog title).

It's also clear that that goal failed. Miserably, I might add.

Here's why: I got scared. I got scared that I was uninteresting. I got scared that people wouldn't want to read what I had to say. I got scared that people would judge my writing abilities. Scared that I would never be good enough. For you, or for myself.

Silly, isn't it? It's just a blog.

Recently, though, I've created a word document. It sits on my desktop. It is saved as "paperclips." I visit that document frequently, if not daily, and I just type. I don't delete, I don't re-read, I don't edit, I just type.

And it is wonderful.

And the best part? My muse is back. My words are back. And I want to share them. Because I want to connect. I want to connect to humanity. I want to connect to YOU.

I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all. -Richard Wright, American Hunger


AdrianneJayne said...

Welcome back! Stay awhile, why don't ya!

brooke said...

how i love whatever word you have to say.

hummmm, no pressure.

Claire said...

Oh, dear darling Kaylie. I love your "paperclips" idea. I'm slowly, but surely trying hard to follow in your footsteps. My problem is that I put off my muse with excuses until she's left entirely and when I sit down to finally write, nothing comes. You've gotta write her words down when she wants to speak! And you are!
I'd love to see some of those words someday :)

Angie said...

I love what you write and how you write and the images and feelings it evokes in me when I read your stuff. You're great. Always keep writing. Wherever you do it, just don't stop! You have a gift.

sarah said...

It made my day to see you blogging again! You have a way with words girl. It is unbelieveable.

Jena said...

Kay Kay,

I do the same thing with a word document. I typed out every ounce of what I felt while dating Brooks and never looked back or deleted a word. I read that document now and thank the heavens that I just let my mind go. It is such a relief.

Love you. Show me your belly. HA

...but seriously.


JulSH said...

So Happy to see a Daily Kaylie! Love this way of connecting with you and being inspired by ANY and ALL words you have to write. Keeping writing (on the blog or on a paperclip)! What you possess is a treasure!

You're amazing, Kaylie! We'll be thinking a lot of you this next month or so! Exciting times!

Susan said...

Hey Kaylie! I can totally relate to you! I have a word document hundreds of pages long that I just write in - whatever, whenever. Part of me wants to be that open and honest on my blog, to let everyone see the good and the bad so they dont have to make my same mistakes and so they can see that they are not alone. But a bigger part of me is afraid of the judgement, just like you said, and just unwilling to put it all out there, you know? I'm still conflicted. I think a blog can do so much good in the world and be such a good missionary tool, but at the same time some things need to stay personal. I love reading whatever you have to say, though! Keep it coming and I can't WAIT to see that cute little baby of yours in the next few weeks. Hang in there!