An update, of sorts?

I have the itch today.

It's tingling my arms, working its way through my bones, trying to reach my head, trying to grasp something, anything, just ONE thing of the millions of things bopping through my head.

That's not accurate.

Things USED to bop around my head. They used to flail, and scream, and fight their way around my head, actually.

But that doesn't happen anymore.

No, my mind is more peaceful now. Peaceable, too.

and I think it has something to do with my heart.

I just figured this out. Just two seconds ago. Just typing I realized this.

My heart and my mind are on the same track. It took some time to route my mind (because the mind is always the one veering off the intended) back on track, but I think I am finally here.

And it feels good. Oh so good.

So the itch. The things (not) bopping through my head.

These days I just think. I just wonder. I just contemplate, and search for truth. I don't try to will things to be how I see them. I don't try to know everything. I just try to experience, and I try to learn as much as I can.

It makes me quieter (if that's possible), and it makes me more peaceful.

This will probably come as a shocker to most people who have known me, but it is what it is.

These days I don't fret. I don't worry. I don't obsess over injustice, unfairness, wrongness. I don't try to WILL change. Change in other people. Change in everything around me. CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE. DISCONTENT. CRAVING FOR SOMETHING ANYTHING BUT THIS. DIFFERENT. FREEDOM. SOMETHING.

No, that is not me. Not anymore.

I just try to live my life as much as possible.
I try to follow my soul.

And I'm learning, that's about all I can do.

I'm finally getting that.

I'm relinquishing the control that I never had, but constantly tried to have over absolutely EVERYTHING.


I'm turning everything inward.
Changing myself.
Righting my own wrongs.

I feel so peaceful.

So I suppose that's one of the things slowly musing its way around my brain.

On another note, my adorable son is currently the cutest thing on this planet, and my husband is still as spiffy as ever.


Kayleigh said...

i'm glad you're back. if only temporarily. :)

Claire said...

This is why we're friends: Your epiphanies become my epiphanies. And vice versa. Isn't that awesome?

I've wondered why I don't NEED to write every second of every day anymore. I've wondered why I don't feel filled to the brim with the emotion of needing to figure everything out all at once.

It's because of that peace.
I feel it too.
Thanks for describing it for me.
It's all so clear now.
I love the heck out of you.

sarah said...

This is why I want to be like you. You are wonderful.

Hancock Herald said...

I can relate to you and Claire. I used to write in my journal at least five days a week. Over the last few years I've gotten to the point where I write maybe once every four to six months. That bothered me for a while, but then I realized that I don't write as much as I used to because I don't NEED to any more. I don't have to get all of IT out of my head. IT isn't there all the time like it used to be, making it hard for me to sleep. My mind is much more at peace.