19.1.09

Another LJ post. Surprised?

Young love. Always such a controversial issue. Why does it work? Why doesn't it?

Personally, I think it is because a young, naive mind is not bogged down by the weight and responsibility that comes with knowledge. A young mind is free to wander to the places it desires; often void of the consequences therein. A young mind will travel to places on a whim or impulse that an older, more experienced mind would contemplate and measure tirelessly before traveling there. From the older person's retrospective point of view, it never seemed like it would have been a good idea, but that's easy to claim from an outer, anti-adolescent mind.

Most of the time, love found in this young state of mind is eventually smothered by the knowledge that comes with age. It fails to subsist without constant attention, and constant reassurance that it exists. A maturing young adult simply doesn't have enough time to nurture and immature love such as this. However, sometimes that youthful, immature and somewhat needy love plants something else into its (victims?) Sometimes this love becomes more powerful than either party probably initially intended. Sometimes, young love lasts.

I would say that this is something I have experienced in my short life. My saying this might be slightly premature as I am barely approaching 20, but perhaps the experiences in my life dictate otherwise.

When I was just 16 years old, I fell head over heels in love with a boy. I was young, I was innocent. This might lead a person to ask, "Well then how did you know you were in love?" My answer to this is uncomplicated: It simply could not have been anything else.

This boy and I lived a country apart. We saw each other a couple times a year, and the rest of the time spent hours upon hours on the telephone. We racked up enormous long-distance bills, made sleep a second priority, and learned absolutely everything there was to know about one another. While doing so, we built a love based on nothing superficial, but built on everything that is REAL. We respected each other. We trusted one another. We loved each other. Over the period of two years, the love that we built continued to grow.

After two years of being madly in love with one another, my boy left on a mission. He's been gone 17 months now, and I miss him dearly.

He gets home this coming August, and I can feel my mind frame beginning to change. When he left, I tried everything in my power to forget most things him, because it hurt far to much to remember him. As far as I was concerned, Lj was going to be gone for an eternity, and therefore, I had to just get used to it. Now, though, Lj is just a few months from returning home. Slowly, I'm allowing all of my memories to return. This is a painful process, as I still cannot be with him; but it is also one with hope-- because I know that he's on his way. He's almost home.

Home. Our song, simply because Michael sings the seemingly incessant dynamics of our relationship. Missing, wanting, missing. Come home. Always come home.

I've probably told this story a million times, but I'm emotional, and thinking about this time in my life, so I'm going to share it again.

Late April 2007: Winter semester had just ended, and it was almost time for LJ to head back to the great state of New Jersey after spending 9, wonderful months at BYU Provo, and consequently, with me. He moved out on a Friday, but his flight wasn't until Sunday. I remember spending that Friday with him-- helping him move out of his dorm, packing up all of his stuff, and helping him say goodbye to all of his friends.

After finishing packing up at the dorm, all of his friends that hadn't left yet decided to have a final rendez vous at Denny's. Denny's was their place freshman year, along with Beto's, so they felt that it would be appropriate to have their final hurrah there. After we arrived at Denny's and were seated, I remember watching everyone, thinking about the goodbye that was about to happen. I think most everyone sensed it, but chose to disregard the poignancy that was filling the air.

We didn't leave the restaurant until about 2AM. As we walked out of the front entrance, the mood immediately changed. Before anyone knew what was happening, we were all hugging, muttering well-wishes, and trying to smile through tear-streaked faces. LJ was saying his goodbyes, and I was saying mine; both were emotional. After all the goodbyes had been said, I walked up to a teary LJ, and put my arms around him to comfort him. I knew how much he loved all of these kids, and I knew he was having a really hard time saying goodbye to them. LJ put his arms around me and started to sob..."I can't say goodbye to you. Not yet..."
"Shhh," I whispered, "You don't have to. Not yet. I love you, sweetheart. I love you so much.."

The drive back to my house was quite. Lj eventually fell asleep, and I was contemplative and emotional, so I didn't try to create small talk. We didn't need to, anyway. We never needed to force conversation.

Once we arrived at my house, I made a bed up for LJ. We said goodnight, he stayed upstairs, I went downstairs, and we both fell asleep almost immediately.

I remember waking LJ up the next morning, after I had returned from (state? district?) solos and ensembles. I rubbed his back until he opened his eyes, and I smiled sadly at him. He looked at me with a similar expression.

We did a variety of activities throughout the day, attempting to put the goodbye that was ahead of us out of our minds. That night, in deliberating what we were going to do, we decided to make a playlist to dance to. After being kicked out of the park by a cop, having a few teary discussions, and reliving our first kiss, we ended up in my driveway, and LJ put on "Home."

He turned around to take me in his arms, but I had already started to cry. He held me anyway, and we danced and cried. And cried.

When I was 16, did I know how deep I was going to get into this thing? Did I fully comprehend the magnitude of my decisions?

...Probably not.

But that being said, I don't regret a single minute of the time I've spent loving Lj.
And now, he's coming home in 6 months and 18 days. I can hardly, hardly wait.

Because I love him, and love is all you need, I've heard. :)


P.S. Sorry this post is so all over the place. Welcome to the current state of my mind. Hah.

4 comments:

kendra said...

I've always loved how your relationship with L.J. is so real, like you said. I want that.

Also I have a confession: I was tearing up while reading this. I can't get enough of Kaylie and L.J. stories.

Carrie said...

I love it!

You and L.J. are straight out of Hollywood...except there's no fake or phony. Thank you for inspiring the rest of us cynics (or maybe just me) to believe in true, unconditional, undeniable love.

I love you Kaylie.

brooke said...

I have learned so much from you and Lj together. (I first typed his name LJ, but it looked wrong because you always write it the other way. So I changed it.) I have watched the phases of your relationship, a lot of times not understanding fully-and then finally GETTING it and wanting to do all I could to keep this thing you'd found alive. I still don't know how you don't beat up all the people that give you crap about it, because holy cow, I WANT TO and I'm not even you.
You should write as many Lj posts as your heart desires. I love them.

I'm so happy you've found this wonderful thing that's such a mystery to the rest of the world. I know you will, but you hang on to it no matter what anything or anyone says or does to try and make you do different. (Worst, most grammatically incorrect sentence I've ever crafted. Not changing it.)

I have so many things to say, and yet nothing because I know you already know it all.
One thing of those you already know that is worth restating a thousand , million, trillion times:
I love you, Kaylie.

glued2mypiano said...

Oh girl.
I'm in tears. You have a way with words that nobody else does.

Love you!

(This is Sarah C. btw.)